Don’t Ask Mitch™ How Many He Ate Cookies

 Don’t Ask Mitch™ How Many He Ate Cookies

(a.k.a. the Suprize M&M Cookie™)

        These cookies are a problems. A warm, chewy, emotionally-complicated, buttery little problem. They were born on a Suprize Weed™ night when all I wanted was a snack and somehow ended up inventing a lifestyle. They’re too big. They’re too good. And they’ve got that “accidentally ate six while overthinking your whole childhood” kind of energy.

        Whether you go full Mitch-Sized™ or lie to yourself with Little Enablers™, just know: You will eat more than planned. You will not regret it. You might cry a little, but that’s unrelated.

Bake these when:

• You’re spiraling

• You need to impress a stoner

• You just want something that tastes like comfort with a crunch

This is not a refined dessert.

This is emotional survival baked at 350°F.

Let’s get into it.

🍪 Don’t Ask Mitch™ How Many He Ate Cookies

(a.k.a. the Suprize M&M Cookie™)

Comes in two sizes depending on your emotional state:

• Mitch-Sized™: Big, bold, and absolutely uncalled for. One is a meal. Two is a lifestyle.

• Little Enablers™: Bite-sized bits of regret disguised as moderation. You’ll eat 9 and wonder why they’re gone.

Prep Time: 15 mins

Cook Time: 10–12 mins
Makes: ~18 Mitch-Sized™ or ~36 Little Enablers™
Keeps: Allegedly 5 days. Realistically? You’ll be lucky if they survive the night.

---

🔥 INGREDIENTS:

• 1 cup unsalted butter, softened

• 1 cup brown sugar, packed

• 1 cup white sugar

• 2 large eggs

• 1 tsp vanilla extract

• 2½ cups all-purpose flour

• 1 tsp baking soda

• ½ tsp salt

• 1½ cups M&Ms (mini or regular, chaos is welcome)

• Optional: ½ cup chocolate chips (for extra regret)
• ½ cup walnuts, chopped (optional but makes them dangerously good)

---

🛠️ DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 350°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment or grease it like your life depends on it.

2. In a big bowl, cream the butter and sugars until light and fluffy (about 2–3 mins).

3. Beat in the eggs one at a time. Add vanilla. Try not to eat the dough yet.

4. In another bowl, whisk flour, baking soda, and salt. Slowly stir that into your wet mixture until fully combined.

5. Fold in M&Ms, walnuts, and chocolate chips if you’re feeling unhinged. Save a few candies to press on top of the dough balls for ✨aesthetic chaos✨.

6. Scoop your size of choice:

   • For Mitch-Sized™ Cookies: Use about ¼ cup dough per cookie (ice cream scoop-sized). Chill dough for at least 30 mins before baking for best structure and chew.

   • For Little Enablers™: Use rounded tablespoons. Chilling is optional, but it helps if your kitchen’s hotter than Mitch™ in golden hour.

7. Bake for 10–12 mins. The edges should be golden, centers still a little soft.

8. Let cool 5 mins before transferring. Or burn your tongue and make peace with your choices.

---

🧠 Mitch’s™ Notes:

• Chill the dough for Mitch Sized™ cookies trust me.

• Label them "Not for guests. Especially not Karen."

• Store airtight, unless you plan to inhale them all while watching your plants silently judge you.

          Look, I’m not saying these cookies will fix your life. But I am saying they’ll distract you long enough to feel like things aren’t falling apart for a solid 10 minutes. And sometimes, that’s enough.

            Whether you made the Mitch Sized™ monsters or the Little Enablers™ nibbles, just know this:

  Feeding yourself joy on purpose is a radical act.

  Even if that joy comes with M&Ms and mild digestive regret.

  So eat the damn cookies.

  Don’t explain yourself.

  And if anyone asks how many you had?

  Just smile.

  And say, “Not enough.”